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Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day! They absolutely banned bonbon from valentines at my kid’s academy this year. I accept this is because at atomic one adolescent in the chic has a baleful LOVE allergy. Regardless, the bonbon ban instantly rendered Valentine’s Day absurd to every student. They’re now as aloof to the anniversary as I am, which is abominable amusing. Booty abroad bonbon hearts and your kids about-face into absolute nihilists in bristles abnormal flat.

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Okay, actuality are your letters:


How abounding squares of toilet cardboard do you use on an boilerplate wipe? My brother and I got in an altercation aback I begin out he acclimated about 10 squares per wipe. I said 3-4 works fine.

Three to four? Is your toilet cardboard fabricated out of bank towels? That’s way too low, abnormally for the aboriginal wipe. That aboriginal clean could be a abounding Class 5 cleanup job, and you’re activity in with aloof four squares of chiffon toilet paper? I’ve never heard of such recklessness. All you can do with four squares is DAB. You can’t absolutely till a crack with so little paper.

Anyway, I took a bits aloof now and counted squares to get to the… BOTTOM… of Derek’s question. I never calculation squares aback acquisition up TP to wipe. I aloof grab a agglomeration and again do my business. So, for this study, I pulled what I would accede a accepted wad from the cycle and again counted the cardinal of squares I was using. For the aboriginal time, I acclimated 26. Please agenda that we buy Target cast TP, which is absolute bargain and absolute thin, admitting actuality two-ply. That bureau I consistently grab a little added off the cycle for allowance adjoin the stinkfinger, alike admitting you apparently anticipate I’m a TP-hogging GLORY BOY regardless. I’m the guy who usually blames boundless TP acceptance in the abode on any woman who happens to be nearby, and yet it is I who is the accurate high-maintenance diva. No admiration I chock-full a rental abode toilet aftermost month.

For the followup wipe, I counted 13 squares. Again, I’m abiding I’m abandoned antibacterial the Earth with my toilet cardboard gluttony. I should be added alert of my usage, but I am a ample man, and I admire a abundant abounding candy foods. I deserve a bit added elbowroom than some delicate, L.A. drop who subsists on annihilation but seeds and charcoal tea all day. I say you get 20 squares for the aboriginal wipe, again 10 for every followup wipe. Quintuple all of those numbers for gas base ablution tissue.


My brother aloof fabricated an abundantly adventurous account in which he declared the Matt Damon adornment in EuroTrip to be the best adornment ever. Cameos can be ranked by so abounding things: shock, context, absurdity, etc. What’s the all time best?

I’m not abiding it counts as a cameo, but I consistently anticipation the best unbilled achievement was by Kevin Spacey in Seven. That cine came out in 1995, a few years afore the Internet absolutely blew up. So I had no clue he was in it, abundant beneath that he would address Gwynnie’s arch in a box to Brad Pitt at the end. Allocution about actuality surprised!

Most cameos are shitty. They were fun aback in the ‘80s, aback they were about attenuate and acclimated sparingly, like with Alice Cooper in Wayne’s Apple or Kurt Vonnegut in Aback to School. But now there are comedies out there that abide about absolutely of cameos, like I’m watching a fucking accolade show. They’re usually gratuitous, and unfunny, and abstract from the story, and abide now abandoned so that bodies go, “Oooh! That’s Liam Neeson!” like it’s some appropriate fucking breach to see a acclaimed actuality assignment for calibration as a lark. You’re aloof watching one amateur do addition amateur a favor aback you see one. OMG HE CURSED IN THAT SCENE! I LIKE HOW HE PLAYED AGAINST MY EXPECTATIONS! If you’re gonna put a adornment in your brainless movie, there bigger be a adequate reason. And the actuality accomplishing the adornment bigger be arena an absolute character, instead of himself or herself. That’s why Spacey’s actualization at the end of Seven worked.

You apperceive what was addition adequate cameo? Sean Connery at the end of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Now that cine hasn’t age-old able-bodied AT ALL. But I bethink Connery benumbed in at the end and the accomplished admirers actuality like, “Oh fuck! Connery is the king!” And he was. He was like, “Lemme ride in and absolve this shitty cine with my blue-blooded presence.” I was spellbound. The amphitheater I saw it in erupted into ad-lib cheers. My man got $250,000 for that scene. Actuality an calumniating Scottish head has its perks.

Also, I’m a big fan of admiral not declared M. Night Shyamalan about actualization in their own movies. Like Roman Polanski in Chinatown. He’s fucking TERRIFYING in that movie. We saw Chinatown aback I was a little kid and I’m still aching by seeing Polanski cut Jack Nicholson’s adenoids open. What the fuck, Roman? You are such a ailing man in so abounding altered ways.


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Why is it still declared mac and cheese aback fabricated with altered noodles?

Because it’s easier. There are seven actor altered pasta shapes out there. Do you absolutely apprehend me to abuse my colloquial any time they bandy cavatappi in for macaroni instead? (HOT TAKE: Cavatappi is bigger for that dish.) Half the time, I couldn’t alike acquaint you the able name of the brainstorm I’m attractive at. So I say you aloof cycle with it.

By the way, I’m already on almanac as adage that lobster mac and cheese is a decay of lobster, but I went to a big restaurant with my continued ancestors for Thanksgiving and we ordered lobster mac and cheese and, due to poor service, we waited two hours for our food. And aback that lobster mac assuredly hit the table, I pounced on it like a craving lion. It was unreal, with accomplished barb pieces in it and everything. There allegation accept been a thousand calories in every bite. I affliction nothing. Never go out for Thanksgiving.


Is a bag of ice the best annoying affair in the apple to carry? Your abandoned options are avaricious it by the basal which will accord you frostbite, or by the .25 inches at the top which will blooper out of your duke about immediately.

You beggarly the big accoutrements you buy at the grocery store, right? Yes, those are awful. Every distinct one of them has a breach in the bottom, not to acknowledgment the affair gets glossy with ice-cold abstract aural bristles abnormal of actuality out of the freezer. I’m accepting aflame for a big RAGER of a party, and now I got baptize decrepit on my bend and a abhorrent backache instead. The fucking bag gets baptize over EVERYTHING: the car, the food, the beer cartons, the baby. It’s not right.


If you’re a aegis advocate and you get addition off who is for abiding accusable of a abhorrent crime, is that a point of pride or is a moment of abashment you consistently alive with?

Oh, the former. Are you badinage me? If I was one of the guys who got O.J. off, I’d never shut up about it. I’d put it on a fucking billboard. That’s why Carl Douglas is my claimed hero.

It’s not like some shitty David E. Kelley actualization area the advocate is aloof so CONFLICTED because he got that adolescent assassin off. Fuck that. Accepting the guy off is your job, and accomplishing it able-bodied bureau you get alike added jobs, which bureau you get to buy a fucking yacht. I see no moral dilemma. Also, a adequate advocate can absolve arising appealing abundant any sociopath if they accept the amends arrangement bootless about forth the way. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, did my applicant advisedly breach into that old association home with a machete and conduct a august slaughter? MAYBE. But what I DO know, is that the accompaniment did NOT use acrylic gloves aback investigating his adamantine drive abounding of annihilation plans. Now, does that bang you as JUST?”


So my associate started renting out a barn on his acreage for bells receptions this accomplished summer. I was talking to him about it afresh and it came up that three of the seven weddings he had this year featured fistfights, two of which were big abundant that it took cops to breach it up. Does this accept like way too aerial a cardinal for about alfresco Florida? What allotment of bells receptions do you anticipate accommodate addition accepting decked in the head?

That does accept like a aerial number, although we ARE talking about a barn here. I accept you hire that barn so you can accept a absolute country wedding, with booze and fiddles and bodies fucking in the hay. That array of atmosphere lends itself to Jimmy Bob and Bobby Jim demography it alfresco to see who has the appropriate to fuck accessory Darlene already and for all.

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Otherwise, I anticipate you’re abundant added adequate to see a action breach out at a bells afterparty, aback anybody is bashed and bent to get alike added sloshed. I acclimated to assignment weddings and I don’t anticipate I anytime saw a action breach out, mostly because the allowance was arranged with old association and afraid parents who didn’t appetite to lose their aegis drop on the amphitheater rental. Also, there were amaranthine toasts. You can’t action if you gotta sit through Uncle Hank’s 10-minute address about the time the helpmate peed on his coat.

By the way, as a accustomed WASP, I can acquaint you that I adulation me a adequate barn party. Like if you accumulate up a agglomeration of preppy, country club dipshits like me and dress them in jeans and checkerboard shirts and lay out a agglomeration of gussied-up Southern aliment for us to eat? That’s affection slummin’. I’m abiding Vineyard Vines sells whale-festooned jorts aloof for this array of occasion.


With Bruce Harper adage he wants a $400 actor dollar arrangement aback he hits chargeless bureau in a few years, it got me thinking, will we anytime see a amateur in our lifetimes assurance a billion-dollar deal? Considering A-Rod got $252 actor aback in the year 2000, it seems plausible. What are your thoughts on when/if we’ll see a 10-figure deal?

We won’t. You may see a amateur aggregate a billion dollars in career earnings, but not in a distinct contract. There’s already acute affirmation that we’re active in the aiguille of a sports rights bubble, and if that balloon breach and networks adjudge that they don’t appetite to pay billions of dollars for this shit, you can bet that owners will about-face to amateur salaries as the aboriginal abode to compensate some of that money. And alike if acquirement keeps growing, best players don’t appetite to be bound into the array of abiding allegation that a billion-dollar accord would apparently demand, not aback you’re action that the bazaar will aloof accumulate inflating into infinity.

Also, I anticipate owners would bandy a colossal hissy fit over a billion-dollar contract. I don’t anticipate they’d acknowledge too attentive to actuality on the aforementioned banking akin as they players they so contentment in blame around. “Why, these salaries are out of control, I do declare!” These bodies did not become billionaires by spending money. If Harper anytime active a ten-figure deal, you can be abiding MLB owners would try to adapt their abuse to your bounded sports columnist. A billion dollars! TO PLAY A CHILD’S GAME! Unacceptable. Jerry Richardson would annihilate your accouchement afore alms you a billion-dollar contract.



With all the escapade at Baylor and Louisville, it got me wondering, what has been the best about broke academy contest affairs in avant-garde NCAA history?

I anticipate it’s clumsily adamantine to altercate with Penn Accompaniment as the advocate in this class from now into eternity. Unless you’re a Penn Accompaniment truther, in which case here’s your tinfoil hat and a lifetime canyon to Joe Posnanski’s Twitter feed.

BUT… I mean, Baylor has to be up there now, right? This was already a academy area the basketball drillmaster affected one of his own players as a biologic banker afterwards he was murdered by ANOTHER player. Holy shit! And now you’re talking about 52 declared rapes in four years, abounding of them allegedly covered up by coaches and administrators who accept they’re agents of God? That’s absolutely a alarming anniversary of some kind.

The affliction allotment is that the academy doesn’t accept to accept abstruse annihilation from this. All the Big 12 did to sanction them was abstain a bit of TV money, which is abortive at best and absolute pickpocketing at worst. This is a academy amid in a complete shithole that already had to recruit doubtable players aloof to accumulate up with their affluent appointment brethren. Now Baylor’s got alike beneath money at their disposal, but with the aforementioned burden to attempt and a agglomeration of holier-than-thou shitbags still in charge. The best angry programs are never the accepted outlaw hookers-and-bribes joints. They’re the ones that assert that they are NOBLE. That’s area you acquisition the absolute scum. I bet Baylor becomes alike MORE angry now. I bet we’re bristles years abroad from Baylor active an immigrant blood-smuggling operation.

Also, let’s add Notre Dame to this list, because fuck Notre Dame.

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Isn’t it awe-inspiring that the blame aggregation is penalized for a bang activity out of bounds, alike if it initially acreage inbounds first? Why is this aphorism altered amid kickoffs and punts? If the alpha landed in bounds, again the accepting aggregation had a adventitious to acreage it, so if a article wants to casket bend the kickoff, why isn’t that encouraged? And why is it OK to bang out of bound as continued as the bang goes through the aback of the end zone? It makes no sense!

I anticipate the accessible acumen that blame off out of bound is actionable is because it’s boring, and the NFL would rather force you to acknowledgment that kickoff, alike if they accept a declared hard-on for authoritative that accurate brawl safer. If they absolutely gave a bits about safety, they’d accomplish blame it out acknowledged (much to my chagrin; annihilation amuses me added than a article shanking a alpha and again watching the arch drillmaster accord that article the stinkeye, like he broke Christmas). But they won’t, because it’s been actionable for so continued that few bodies accept questioned the rationale.

One way you could accomplish it constant is to accomplish punting the brawl out of bound ALSO illegal, which would admission all-embracing brawl in the d by a adequate 20 percent. Then, in adjustment to admission “safety” (world’s bigger eyeroll), you add academy football’s aura aphorism to assure returners. That bureau you can’t be aural two yards of the dude aback he catches the ball. Already he catches it, you can burke his ass.

By the way, I still anticipate a alpha that goes through the uprights should get you a point or something. You kicked it 75 god yards. You deserve a little amusement for it. Or maybe the accepting aggregation has to alpha at their own one if you cull off that kick.


What is a added annoying take: that adequate bits is bad or that bad bits is good?

The former. Booty it from addition who has to allotment an online chatroom every day with assertive staffers who anticipate Martin Scorsese is a bad administrator and/or that Acknowledgment of the Jedi is a bad movie. I’m one to talk, accustomed that I accept a accessible clue almanac of accusatory about things that are universally beloved. But, as a reader, I am far added adequate to get pissed off about addition ripping on article I acquisition absolute (come on, who the fuck hates pie?) than addition confessing that they secretly admire Fifty Shades Darker.

The bigger botheration with your accepted “Actually, (Classic Adequate Thing) Is Bad” booty is that the bacteria usually treats this as some affectionate of revelation, like he and he abandoned knows that pie is bad and is candid YOU, the affecting sheep activity forth with the crowd, in adjustment to actual the actual record. This is Armond White’s career in its entirety, and it gets old absolute quick. Now, let me allocution to you about my long-gestating acceptance that the Bank Boys were fucking stupid…


Who had bigger aliment in their childhood? Bodies who are in the dusk of their lives, or accepted children? Older bodies had home-cooked commons fabricated by calm moms, abounding country breakfasts, etc. Or accepted kids, who rarely get home-cooked commons but accept admission to endless restaurants and items in supermarkets?

Accepted kids. Trust me. I apperceive it sounds like fun to go aback to a time aback bodies didn’t apperceive bistro a slab of bacon a day would annihilate you. And I apperceive that chefs today accept a massive amulet for apprehension some fucking lamb academician bouillon compound from 1508 and confined it to bodies as haute abundance food. But aliment in the old canicule SUCKED. It sucked so, so badly. For every around-the-clock bowl like Eggs Benedict that you were served, there were nine hundred added appalling dishes you were affected to confront, featuring amber meats, and aspic, and clammy vegetables, and assorted unidentifiable gruels.

We are currently active through the advancing of the Antichrist, but aliment has never been bigger for you or for your captious kids. Never booty it for granted. I ate adolescent goulash aback in the ‘80s and I’m not activity aback to that. No way. This is Aiguille Food.

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My wife and I got into a acrimonious agitation about whether or not ability from Santa should be wrapped. I don’t accept how this is alike up for discussion. Are you cogent me that in some households kids run bottomward the stairs, see all of their unwrapped ability at already and again what – Christmas is adjourned? I put the catechism out to my Facebook accompany and afterwards reviewing aing to 200 acrimonious comments the after-effects are advancing aback split. I can’t accept how abounding sociopaths are out there. Please put this one to bed so we can accept a accustomed animal Christmas.

Sorry man, but I don’t blanket ability from Santa. Santa’s a active man, authoritative toys and carrying them to all the adequate boys and girls in a distinct night. Now he’s declared to blanket them, too? Fuck that. The point of Christmas morning is walking bench and seeing at atomic one or two money ability sitting appropriate there beneath the tree, bald and accessible to go. That’s a absolute -shitter of a moment for kids.

I got account for you: Kids are gonna breach through ability in bristles abnormal regardless. They don’t attending at a captivated allowance and go, “Oh wow, this is a absolutely nice wrapping job!” They accord no fucks. They’ll breach the allowance central in adjustment to get that cardboard off as bound as possible. So you may as able-bodied leave a brace of big-ticket items unwrapped to accelerate them (maybe a bow ashore on there for added effect), again accept some captivated actuality beneath the timberline to antithesis things out. They’ve waited all year for that one brainless morning. It’s accept to accord them a little burning gratification.


When are they activity to about-face the Madden amateur to Gruden?

Never. I accumulate audition this like it’s some affectionate of admirable plan over at EA. But why would they change the Madden cast name if it’s still account hundreds of millions of dollars? You don’t see them alteration the name of the Heisman Trophy aloof because that guy’s dead, do you?

Jon Gruden isn’t John Madden and won’t anytime be John Madden. I don’t affliction if Madden bliss the brazier a year from now. His name, and voice, will consistently be alike with football, alike to bodies who don’t apperceive him. Jon Gruden, by contrast, is a fucking stooge for the alliance who spends every advertisement salivating over accidental coaches and quarterbacks like a dog staring at a Milkbone. He’s the accomplished paid actuality at ESPN and I still accept no clue as to why. He should be calling American Ninja Warrior tryouts instead.


So, I absolved into the ablution at assignment and I apprehension a guy peeing at a urinal while what looked like cuddle the bank or something. As I got afterpiece and chose my urinal, I apprehend that he’s application the asphalt adhesive to book his fingernails! Is this absolutely gross, or is this guy a able genius?

No, that’s absolutely gross, and I don’t get grossed out by abundant because I’m such a gross actuality myself. That adhesive is a anchorage for mildew, broiled urine, and abashed canker cells. And this guy is buffing his attach with it? That’s fucked up. A attach book costs, like, fifty cents. I accord this man no acclaim for his ingenuity. Would you address addition for plucking a devious pube out of the urinal and flossing with it? No, you would not. This man should alive in a barn.

On the added hand…


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Thoughts on application the aforementioned cardboard towels to draft your adenoids that you aloof broiled your easily with? I’m pro. Softens them up. Saves trees. The about-face direction? Not acceptable.

I do it. I’m far too lasseiz-faire about what affectionate of cardboard I use to draft my adenoids with. If I’m decrepit snot, and there’s a napkin I aloof acclimated appropriate there, assumption who isn’t gonna go airing over to the tissue box? THIS GUY. By the additional anniversary of January, my adenoids has basically been skinned raw, like I took a potato peeler to it. I absolutely gotta advance the time and money in application Kleenex with aloe.


Where the fuck does Duke acquisition these fuckface whiteboys with talent? Are they fuckfaces in aerial school? Does Duke instantly transform them into fuckfaces? As abundant as I abhorrence Duke, I absolutely don’t accept the closing is true. Do they become fuckfaces on their own because anybody despises their fackin’ Woodhead levels of dust and is out to get them, appropriately creating absurd levels of bargain brawl on their end as an “I don’t aback down!” mechanism? I NEED ANSWERS! I allegation apperceive why they are so despicable.

You’ve appear to the appropriate place, because we accept two(!) Dook alumni on agents here. So I asked our Emma Baccellieri and Nick Martin whether Duke’s fuckface catching is a attributes or a breeding array of thing:

EMMA: “I anticipate allotment of it is aloof that this affectionate of actuality is everywhere in the program. Like, you’re actually walking accomplished signs about the ‘integrity’ and ‘honor’ of Duke contest as you go the gym every day. So alike if you’re not abundant of a fuckface to start, I anticipate the ambiance is accomplished to about-face you into one.”

NICK: “Lots of Duke adorning posters (not different to Duke, but they do adulation it), lots of allocution about ‘The Duke Way,’ and additionally Drillmaster K is the coach, so it’s accident one way or the other.”

I accept some theories of my own about this, by the way. I anticipate that anyone activity to Duke knows about their acceptability already, so they’re already agreeable to embrace some admeasurement of villainy. Also, Drillmaster K needs to accept you are a GOOD FIT for his shitty little program, which bureau he goes out of his way to acquisition All-American attic slappers. Then, already they’re in the fold, he teaches them the affectionate of adamant gameplay that’s absolutely dirty, and he instills a alembic mentality in players that arena bedraggled is abrasive and belligerent and BLUE COLLAR, which takes their shitbaggery to a accomplished new level. You’re at Duke, which bureau you are special, and accordingly hated for actuality special. Ugh. Repulsive. Drop this affairs into an acerbic bath.

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The added day my kid went out to brawl and larboard the barn aperture open. I accessible the aperture and attending out, and acquisition a god abuse militarist sitting in my driveway activity to boondocks on a pigeon. Aloof ripping hunks of accoutrement off and bistro it. (The ripping and disturbing sounds were affectionate of nasty, but additionally affectionate of cool.) The militarist looked up at me, but didn’t move, alike aback I absolved out into the barn to move a few things so I could get a bigger view. He aloof looked at me with a attending of “come at me, bro, this is my pigeon.” Again a car collection by and the militarist didn’t move. He wasn’t activity to fly abroad from that meal for some little disturbance.

Anyway, I wasn’t abiding what to do, so I aloof got the video camera and recorded the proceedings. Seemed like article I bare to actualization the kid later. Affectionate of like a attributes actualization in our own driveway.

So, afterwards a while, the militarist flies off, and I go out there to analysis on the accompaniment of the corpse. Abuse militarist ate like a division of the pigeon (including the absolute head!), abrogation the blow of the blood-soaked body behind. This pigeon had aloof eaten, too. Which was affectionate of gross back there were accomplished blood-soaked kernels of blah falling out of area its close and atrium had been.

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So, not alive how to actuate of a blood-soaked pigeon carcass, I aloof affective a snow shovel, and biconcave it up, dumped it into a debris bag and threw it in the trash. Unfortunately, the band in my corrupt was frozen, so now I accept a blood-soaked array of accoutrement ashore to the driveway.

My kid came home and told him what he’d missed. Nonchalantly, he said “I know”. I said “how?” And he said “I saw the blood-soaked accoutrement in the driveway.” Again he went and played Minecraft.

The accomplished affair was absolute weird.


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