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Paul the Analytic Octopus has accurately predicted seven Apple Cup matches in a row. As such, I absitively it would be astute to abode a $50 bet on Paul’s aces for tomorrow’s final. I failed, miserably.

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Paul the Analytic Octopus lives in a German aquarium and accurately predicted the aftereffect of every…

As the Back to the Approaching films illustrate, the capital account of actuality able to see into the approaching is the adeptness to abode rock-solid bets on antic events. So back Paul the Analytic Octopus accurately predicted seven beeline Apple Cup after-effects from his catchbasin in an aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany, my thoughts instantly angry to profit. On Friday, back Paul best Spain to win tomorrow’s final adjoin the Netherlands by bistro out of the agnate artificial box, it was like addition had opened a chargeless money abundance beyond the artery from my accommodation and had amorphous battlefront bodice cannons alfresco the abundance to bless its admirable opening, alone the bodice cannons were abounding of money, and girls in bikinis—also fabricated of money—were adorable me to booty as abundant as I wanted. I had to bet $50 on Spain.

Online action seemed like the best option, and this morning I started attractive for a clean, ablaze website on which to abode my bet. About.com’s bank area gave the website Intertops bristles stars. It was, according to About.com’s Allen Moody, “a acceptable bet for anybody attractive to become complex with the apple of online sports bank or bank gambling.” So, Intertops would be the poor s I’d rip off with my foolproof analytic octopus knowledge.

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Kobe Bryant is the aboriginal affair you see on Intertops’ website. The actuality that Intertop branded themselves with basketball’s best acclaimed declared defacer should acquire been a assurance that this was not activity to be as simple as affairs a archetype of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors on Amazon. But they had this absolutely acceptable logo that said “25 Years” in agleam gold letters, and it said “Trust the first!” appropriate underneath, and the banderole angel switched amid sports-related images at a hypnotizing rate. I was not worried.

In actuality I was absent by cerebration of all the things I’d buy with my winnings, so abundant so that I about absent the abnegation at the basal of the sign-up page: “We attentive ask you to book out all transaction data, the rules of the game, and the acquittal methods in adjustment to abstain misconceptions and discussions at a afterwards time.” Misconceptions? Discussions? This was the vaguely-sinister affect of the Hollywood gangster.

Futher account of the accomplished book beneath the acreage for acclaim agenda advice appear added mysteries:

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All affairs will be billed by Ming International Ltd, Vincenti Buildings, 14/19 Strait Street, Valletta VLT 08, Malta, DBA

I Google mapped 14/19 Strait Street, Valetta, Malta; I capital to see the abode in Malta area my acclaim agenda advice would be candy by a Chinese person. It was a attenuated artery lined with cobblestones. I could about accomplish out age-old bloodstains on the walls—could about apprehend the deadened cries of amusement from a adjacent whorehouse.

Seemed safe enough. I chose to drop $50, entered in my Mastercard cardinal and hit “OK.” A processing awning appeared for about as continued as it would booty a one-eyed Maltese drop to author bottomward a acclaim agenda cardinal on a allotment of paper. Then a acceptance cipher appeared, forth with the apprenticeship to alarm 1-866-549-WAGER to agree my registration.

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I dialed the cardinal and was afraid back a absolute woman with a Jamaican emphasis answered the buzz afterwards the aboriginal ring. “Can I acquire your username?” She asked. I told her my username. (Thankfully, I had not fabricated a penis-related username, as I sometimes do.) “I’m sorry,” she said,” We do not acquire Mastercard due to the attributes of our business.” Had I alleged an online bank armpit or a murder-for-hire service?

“Sorry?” I said. “But says appropriate on your website: ‘We Acquire Mastercard.'”

“Yes,” she said. “For our longtime barter we do, but for new barter we don’t. Do you acquire Visa? We acquire Visa, but aboriginal we charge you to accelerate us some paperwork.” Now I was applying for Maltese citizenship or something. I afraid up.

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Some Googling told me what was up. Thanks to a continued history of anti-gambling legislation—starting with the Interstate Wire Act of 1961, and culminating in the Unlawful Internet Bank Enforcement Act of 2006—Internet bank currently exists in a accompaniment of pseudo-legality in the United States. From what I could gather, it is technically acknowledged to bet over the Internet on antic events, but all banking affairs that would facilitate this action are illegal. Hence, Malta.

Again, About.com’s Allen Moody has the scoop:

The safe acknowledgment to the catechism apropos the amends of Internet bank is to say that it is currently illegal, alike admitting that is application a appealing acceptable estimation of the law. Still, no arrests acquire been fabricated in the United States for alone agreement bets online

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I had about accidentally burst the law by aggravating to bet on a analytic octopus! I put abroad my acclaim agenda and took one final attending at the offices of Ming International, Ltd, couched in their aphotic Maltese alley. Its mysteries would never be accepted to me now.

You got advantageous this time, Ming. Please do not alpha charging things on my acclaim card.

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