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Some bodies are admirers of the Minnesota Vikings. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the Minnesota Vikings. This 2018 Deadspin NFL aggregation examination is for those in the closing group. Read all the previews so far here.

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Your team: 38-7

Your 2017 record: 38-7. This is the allotment breadth I acknowledge that I, the columnist of this series, am a Vikings fan. So while I may antic on added teams, it pales in allegory to how often, and how mercilessly, added teams antic on my own. I am all talk, no rings. Every year, this aggregation calmly opposing admirers new armament to cut me bottomward with. 38-7. Attending how calmly those numbers can be acid into a baleful weapon:


The numbers are arresting aloft my absolute heart. I’ll never escape them. I’ll never outrun them. I accept no improvement to them. I will NEVER accept a comeback, because I already apperceive this god aggregation will debris to accommodate me with one.

There’s a abnormality that occurs in sports that I accept witnessed firsthand, and it occurs aback a commonly snakebitten aggregation casts off its demons and becomes a behemoth alike BEFORE they’ve consummated a championship. There’s an air of ascendancy and aberrant aplomb that happens during a run breadth aggregate begins to feel preordained. It infects the team, the fans, the opposition, everyone. This air … this aggregate FEELING … so absolutely dispels acclaimed failure, it’s like those failures never alike happened. It happened for the Boston Red Sox. It happened for the Washington Capitals. And for one week—ONE MEASLY GODDAMN WEEK—I could accept affidavit it was accident for my team. My poor, shithead Vikings. They had a ascendant defense, a charmed quarterback, and the abstract of Jesus afterwards award themselves the beneficiaries of this play:

They didn’t deserve to win that game, but they did. I could accept affidavit to you afterwards that d that it was assuredly the Vikings’ time. My fatalism vanished. This aggregation was one d abroad from arena the Super Bowl AT HOME, and all they had to do was exhausted Nick Foles to get there. Nick Foles. Nick fucking Foles. They were activity to do it. It was destiny. I believed. I absolutely did. And I believed it alike added aback the Vikings went to Philly and anon went up 7-0. It was all happening.

I… am a fucking moron. Shoot me point bare in the arch because THIS is the annihilation that ensued:

I got one anniversary of happiness, and afresh this bits aggregation couldn’t alike adhere with Nick fucking Foles for a distinct half. That absurd ball adjoin the Saints? It agency nothing. It was rendered beneath important than the about 700 touchdowns Philly rained bottomward on them the afterward week. It may as able-bodied accept never happened. Breadth did the aegis go? WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO? ARE THEY ALL NARCOLEPTICS?!

Any aggregation absolutely account a bits follows up the Minneapolis Miracle with a Super Bowl. This would be like if the Red Sox had absent to the Cardinals in 2004. For the additional time in this century, the Vikings played an NFC appellation d breadth the absolute fucking additional bisected was rendered debris time. They blew it, and the affliction allotment is that all of the declared acceptable afterlife they had congenital up over the beforehand of aftermost analysis concluded up instantly appointment over to the fucking Eagles, of all teams. They took it all. They took the aberrant confidence. They took the NFC title. They took the Minnesota Super Bowl. They took my pride. They alike took the fucking chant.

They may as able-bodied accept taken my wife. Here’s a acceptable assignment for you kids out there: never booty joy in annihilation because it doesn’t ultimately matter. The Vikings abide mainly to admonish me that accomplishment is for idiots. God, they’re such pieces of shit. They’ll never accept a adventitious like that anytime again. I wanna die. The ghosts of the birds the new amphitheater asleep accursed them to lose to the bird teams forever.

Your coach: Mike Zimmer. Accepting that aing to a hometown Super Bowl has alone fabricated this authorization thirstier, which is why Zimmer swiped the Eagles’ QB drillmaster to run the breach and afresh BLOCKED his own QB drillmaster from demography a beforehand with Pat Shurmur and the Giants.

“I get criticized for blocking guys and actuality like that, but loyalty, to me, is a big thing, right? So I appear in actuality four years ago and the breach is 29, 27th, 26th. But I accumulate them. So the aboriginal time our breach is ambrosial good, afresh I’m declared to let all my coaches leave? I don’t anticipate that’s right. If I’m activity to be loyal to them and not blaze them afterwards they don’t accept acceptable years, afresh I don’t anticipate they should not be loyal to me.”

That is appreciably fucked up, and yet Vikings admirers acquiescently alone it, allegedly because Zimmer is as blooming as they are. I apperceive NFL coaches accept all the moral atrocity of Ted Bundy, but it’s about agreed aloft that you let your administration go about abroad if they’ve got a bigger job cat-and-mouse for them. Zim didn’t do that, and now his own abettor will allegedly absorb all analysis assuming titty movies to the QB allowance aloof to animosity his ass. Speaking of which…

Your quarterback: The Vikings had three quarterbacks aftermost season. The aboriginal one was a admired abstract aces who had his knee detonated by a lightning t befuddled by Zeus from a adjacent cloud. The additional set a alliance almanac with the team, and afresh started one d the afterward year and promptly developed a knee abrasion of his own that was so ambiguous and abstruse that NPR could abject a fucking podcast about it. And the third little aback took this aggregation to the NFC appellation d afore bane abaft an undermanned abhorrent line. For his trouble, Case Keenum was accustomed a backpack of cigarettes and apparent the door. Instead of locking bottomward one of the team’s own QBs, Zygi Wilf skimmed $84 actor from his arcade malls and handed it to this man:

The Vikings accept an abiding hard-on for added team’s quarterbacks, and Kirk Cousins is the ultimate cleanup of that engorgement. For the additional time this century, I accept to hop into bed with a quarterback I’ve been accomplished for YEARS to despise. This is activity to be a acquirements action for anybody involved. Actuality are some fun things about Kirk Cousins. Aboriginal off, he throws lots of bad picks! Secondly, he can’t fucking barbecue a steak! Thirdly, he allegedly doesn’t apprehend The Appointment is on Netflix. Fourthly, he combines the airless canon of Tim Tebow, the artificial ball of Ted Cruz, and the training affectation of Tom Brady. From that abject beverage he has engineered a cast of corniness so automatic and so baneful that it could bake through steel.

What a fucking dink. There’s no one on Earth who needs to Mackle beneath than Kirk Cousins.

To me, it’s acutely cogent that Cousins’ affectation wore attenuate alike in Washington, breadth they were STARVED for appropriate quarterbacking. Those bodies knew abuse able-bodied that Kirk is a politician. Afresh he gets on a alike to Minnesota and Vikings admirers were like OH YA THIS GUY HERE IS THE REAL DEAL YA KNOW! He couldn’t be a bigger fit with this citizenry if he tried. And he will! He will try over and over afresh until you appetite to bite him in the fucking head. And Minnesotans will LOVE him for it. They’ll accomplish canned soup pies in his honor. Bethink aback the Vikings assassin an 18-year-old tech babyish to advise them how to chronicle to the teens? Authoritative Kirk Cousins the highest-paid amateur in history was the end aftereffect of that study. I don’t alike accept to see the PowerPoint accouter to apperceive it’s true. I do NOT like that. Fuck Kirk with his own tube of afterlife rocks.

What’s new that : This agenda is loaded and the Vikings spent the offseason basically dotting it with maraschino cherries to accomplish it alike added appealing. They got Cousins. They active Sheldon Richardson. They got Kendall Wright to accomplish the wideout band added and afresh didn’t alike bother to accumulate him. They accept Dalvin Cook aback from injury. And yet NONE of that will bulk because they forgot to fix the brainless abhorrent line.

This band burst the burning bouncer Nick Easton got aching at the end of aftermost season, and yet the Vikings did about annihilation to abode it. Their bigger move was drafting a appropriate accouterment in the additional annular whose arch check is that he weighs 68 pounds. They could accept drafted a bouncer in the aboriginal annular and autonomous instead for an eighth cornerback who has a animal beforehand analysis on his resume. They were counting on Easton to appear aback and he’s already absent for the year with a aing injury. They were additionally counting on centermost Pat Elflein to appear aback from a season-ending abrasion and had to barter for the Giants centermost aback that plan went to shit. They were acquisitive the band drillmaster would appearance these genitalia into a applicable assemblage and he DIED. It’s like this aggregation broiled a block and forgot to add the fucking sugar.

It’s a adversity cat-and-mouse to happen. Cousins was one of the best abiding QBs in football and I already apperceive that run will end in Minnesota. Khalil Mack will beating the Jesus appropriate out of him. It’s $84 actor bottomward the fucking drain. In my weakest moments, I anticipate to myself, “You know, they allegedly could accept acclimated Richie Incognito.” I suck.

Think this aegis is stacked? LOL you won’t anticipate so appear October aback bisected of them are on IR. Xavier Rhodes misses at atomic one alternation with an abrasion alarm absolutely every game, so this is the year he suffers a absolute abrasion and misses 14 amateur with hip dysplasia. They cut the old article and replaced him with a amateur who already absent two gimmes in a preseason game, abracadabra an air of doom so blubbery I charge fog lights to cross my way out of it. Millie will allegedly die during a home game. I apperceive how the Vikings work. They do not SUSTAIN success. They won’t be aback in the appellation d until 10 years from now, with addition accumulation of coaches and players. And they’ll lose.

Al Franken fucked it all up. All the animal aggravation actuality is alone like the 20th affliction affair about Garrison Keillor. Mike Priefer is still an . Fuck Nick Foles with his own .

What has consistently sucked: In the afterward of fairness, I asked the agents to explain why I, Drew Magary, suck. Actuality now are their replies.

Samer: You suck.

Ley: You blot so much.

Samer: Fuck you!

Marchman: You aspect as a aliment guy while announcement the aficionado of a four-year-old.

Barry: You should let the readers apperceive that you STILL book every 5000-word cavalcade with two band breach amid paragraphs because you use Microsoft Word and your adventurous editors accept to manually annul anniversary added break.

Greenwell: This dude aloof ghosted on a god affair about his own god podcast today. Aloof bootless to appearance up. Didn’t acknowledge to slacks or texts. Aloof larboard anybody cat-and-mouse in a allowance for him.

And yet it wasn’t about as bad as 10,000 accidental fucking band breaks.

Samer: The best applicable accolade for this buzz would be to let it be appear afresh put it in Slack a anniversary afterwards with a “anyone see this?”

Greenwell: Deleting 10,000 accidental band breach makes me appetite to die.

Barry: The best applicable accolade would be to broadcast the Vikings WYTS afterwards editing.

Samer: Sometimes you accept added spaces afore anniversary WYTS chic and I don’t apperceive how you do it.

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Me: I’m gonna annul the band breach myself! I swear!

Barry: Abundant like with the Vikings: Afterwards a decade of crap, why should I accept this time will be any different?

Let’s be honest: they’re activity accessible on me here. If they absolutely capital to buzz my ass, they would blaze me and alter me with Kluwe to appearance the apple aloof how dispensable I am. I deserve this fakeass also-ran team.

What ability not suck: Hey Everson Griffen, how ‘bout that 9/11?!

Best. Memorial. Ever!

Let’s bethink a guy who sucked: How abundant time you got, because I accept a lot grudges to attack through here: Derrick Alexander, Demetrius Underwood, Onterrio Smith, Alfred Anderson, Raonall Smith, Troy Williamson, Kailee Wong, Stalin Colinet, Duane Clemons. All SHIT.



A few canicule afterwards the NFC appellation game, I was walking beyond the parking lot to my bounded gym cutting a Vikings hoodie aback a argent BMW pulled up in advanced of me. The bro that was active formed the window bottomward and yelled “Yeaaaahhhhh Nick Foles, Baby!!!!” afore dispatch away.

This was in Cincinnati.

Fuck actuality a Vikings fan.


For some acumen my little brother claims to be an Eagles fan (We grew up in North Dakota WTF). Afterwards the d my mom had the assurance to say to me and my dad (also also-ran Vikings fan): “Well at atomic we can be blessed for your brother!” I anticipate I heard my dad complain “fuck you” beneath his breath. Abundant season, s.


It was like the catastrophe to Se7en. We got exhausted to afterlife with confined of soap for 55 minutes.


I continued for the candied absolution of death.


I agreement we fucked up the QB choice.


I acclimated to amphitheater amateur adjoin Kirk Cousins as affirmed wins.


The greatest moment in aggregation history appropriate us alarming a 17-point beforehand to accomplish it happen.


The happiest moment I will anytime acquaintance as a Vikings fan will consistently be accordingly affiliated with the best soul-crushing d I will anytime acquaintance as a Vikings fan.


Mike Zimmer will not abstract until he has an absolute agenda fabricated up of DBs.


Every time they access greatness, they cruise over their own s and faceplant beeline into humiliation.


The Meaningless Miracle.


2009 – NFC Championship heartbreak

2010 – 6-10, drillmaster fired, Sterger-gate, Percy migraines, Metrodome roof collapse, aftermost abode analysis finish

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2017 – NFC Championship heartbreak

2018 – ???


Because the greatest accomplishment the Minnesota Vikings will anytime ability was accepting the Patriots cook bottomward and abstract a Super Bowl to Big Dick Nick in their stadium.


This signing reminds me of Herschel Walker so abundant it’s scary.


The guy drives a van that by itself allegedly aloft the carbon brand of Eagan 67%.


I aloof capital them to win the Super Bowl so I could stop watching the NFL altogether.


Please save this for aback Daniel Carlson accordingly fucks this aggregation over.


This aggregation isn’t a blackmail to annihilation besides bird clearing patterns.


We did the absurd aftermost year and I still had to adventurous bristles bulk acclimate for a Super Bowl with HOF meat coquette Big Dick Nick because our aggregation bits the bed for the 437th time in a row.

We are absolutely the football agnate of the asleep drift mark a bird makes on the bottle aback it hits the ancillary of USBank Amphitheater at abounding tilt.


As anon as I put my shirt aback on from adulatory the Minneapolis Miracle I started auspicious my sportsbooks until I could ball the Eagles 3 and didn’t acquaint anyone. Absent it all on the Patriots two weeks afterwards anyhow ‘cause I am a Vikings fan afterwards all and we can’t accept anything.


This motherfucking aggregation has accustomed me accomplishment appropriate at the time aback it’s acceptable about amoral to abutment the NFL and fuck them consistently and anytime for that.


The Bengals will win a Super Bowl afore Minnesota does, and afresh every affiliate of that Affliction NFL Ancestors in America who alone the Vikings will be vindicated in accomplishing so.


They blot your body out of your ass. I accept never apparent my dad added aflame about a antic accident than the moment Diggs beyond the ambition line. The afterward week, center through the additional division he looked at me dead-eyed and said in the best Minnesota dad articulation possible: “Well, at atomic they can alone lose one d tonight.”

Drew (not me):

I appetite to be optimistic about Kirk Cousins, but I already apperceive he’ll end up bleeding out from bistro a asperous allotment of aluminum antithesis that fuses itself to one of his brainless steaks.


Fuck the skol carol for now actuality consistently tainted.


Every analysis ends like an Andy Reid playoff game.


It’s no abstruse who the best affecting fan abject in sports is.

PS: Drew Pearson pushed off, and I attending advanced to watching him bake in hell for it.

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I’m not abashed to accept it, but I told Gary Anderson that he broke my life. Granted, he was bottomward on the amusement blame for the Titans, and I was in the absolute aftermost row of the RCA Dome, but it provided me the abrasive acquaintance I bare afterwards the 1998 NFC Championship game.


I acclimated to dream about what I would do if I had that Men in Atramentous apperception eraser/flashy thing. For a while I’d balloon a lot of awkward aerial academy memories, afresh I anticipation I would balloon that I watched Breaking Bad and watch it afresh or would balloon about a bad breach up. The accuracy is I would balloon I was a Vikings fan and alpha auspicious for the Packers.


I dosed myself with Ambien above-mentioned to the Viking/Eagles playoff d so I could time biking through their self-destruction.

The Packers will abstract a-once-in-a-lifetime quarterback aptitude in 2019.

Fuck Brad Childress.


Kirk Cousins has never been injured. The way I bulk it, his knees will about-face to sushi no afterwards than the aboriginal anniversary of October. It’s the Vikings.


Fuck this aggregation in beforehand for the ballsy fucking anticlimax that they are accordingly activity to bear this year. I can aloof acquaint that this will end with me advancing absolutely unglued in advanced of my accompany and admired ones for… I anticipate this will be like the fifth time in my 37 years in this planet.


I grew up in West Virginia. I accept no affiliation to Minnesota via ancestors or geography. I acclamation for the Vikings. I would accept been bigger off accepting a case of meth mouth.


I formed in Burghal Minneapolis a the amphitheater and during the preseason aback they accept amateur on brainless days, we got to accord with all of the bodies calamity in for the d at 5pm on a Thursday. Two years ago I saw at atomic two bodies cutting Darren Sharper jerseys. One of them was a woman.


I was in burghal Minneapolis aftermost October to see some accompany off at the alpha of a ten mile race. The run started at 7 in the morning. The Vikings were additionally hosting the Lions that day.

Aing to the alpha band was a accumulation of affair Vikings fans. One affiliate of the amethyst and gold affectionate seemed to be bashed and had gotten his calmly on a megaphone. Afore the chase started this bashed fan (remember, the chase started at 7AM) kept shouting over and over afresh into his megaphone “if you’re not aboriginal you’re last.”

Yes, a Vikings fan afresh teased added bodies with “if you’re not aboriginal your last”…at atomic 100 times.

And no, none of his accompany approved to stop him.

Oh the Vikings absent to the Lions that day. On the off adventitious megaphone dude or his pals are account this, which absolutely seems doubtful, I aloof appetite you to know: yes it is your fault.


Let me acquaint you about my hometown.

Minneapolis is the best aspirationally characterless burghal in the United States. The music arena has been benumbed on Husker Du and The Replacements for decades, and Paul Westerberg is a huge . We ashamed our two orras in activity lockouts aback their apple chic musicians dared asked for added money. The state’s bigger day-tripper allure is a mall. Anybody in Minneapolis wears billowing jeans, bargain tennis shoes and a University of Minnesota sweatshirt everywhere, all of the time, because they are abashed of .

They’ve gutted any debris of the bohemian ability of a brace decades ago, axis Uptown into a behemothic Bite Bowl Social. They are 18 months out from accomplishing the aforementioned to Lyn-Lake. Paradoxically, the burghal has managed to absolutely fuck up downtown, axis a already admirable arcade commune into a Safdie Brothers movie. Nevertheless, every abode actuality costs at atomic $500,000 now.

This city’s borough ability is a archetype of arrogant alarmist urbanity. 90% of Minneapolitans allegation about Trump consistently but will avert our grotesque, unfunny debauchee above agent to the death. The added 10% are abashed of Somalians and anticipate the Hmong eat squirrels. Arch 30 account alfresco of the busline in any administration and you can about-face those numbers. The cops shoot addition actuality every six months.

People are mad because a above freeway (35W) is beneath above aliment for the aing brace years. I don’t accept why, because there is boilerplate to go. The acclimate is acceptable for the months of May and September, exclusively. Southwest Minneapolis is a arrangement of abnormally admirable neighborhoods chained calm by admirable accessible lakes. It is in the absolute flightline of MSP airport, and you will (seriously) be advantageous to absorb 90 abnormal alfresco afterwards audition a alike barrage aerial loud abundant to arrest conversation.

Despite all of this, anybody aloft in Minneapolis thinks it is the best burghal in America and looks bottomward on anybody not from Minneapolis, ESPECIALLY bodies from St. Paul.

If you had a apparatus that could transform a small, red, army penis into a man, that man would be Garrison Keillor.


My little sister is an absurd woman. But, see, she additionally has a abundant faculty of humor, and aback she came to watch the NFC Appellation d with dad and I, she took off her covering to acknowledge a Carson Wentz jersey – about 20 abnormal afore Keenum threw the pick-six. My sister fabricated a antic and wore an opponent’s jersey. She was the acumen we lost, so, I yelled at her and fabricated her cry. A lot.

The Vikings blot because no bulk how acute you are and how abundant you apperceive and how able you are for that moment every ten years moment aback they rip your affection in half, they still blot you into actuality that Coors Light swilling Neanderthal who thinks Jared Allen should get a adventitious to ball active aback and Randy can accomplish one added improvement and why don’t they run the flea beam anymore, which causes you to tap into that cadger academician and accomplish your sweet, kind, funny little sister who you captivated as a bairn advance to cry for two hours over the stupidest fucking shit.


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We could accept accommodated Teddy Bridgwater for $800,000 and a ham sandwich and active the absolute abstract of the agenda until 2025 but instead we gave the GDP of a babyish country to a awe-inspiring apprentice whose alone progression over the accomplished 3 years has been boring transforming from a cool, awe-inspiring idiot who screams and credibility aggressively at bodies to a camp bronze with an anytime concealment tan and a jawline cut from animate who alone talks in bible verses.

He’ll ball abaft an abhorrent band that has been Henry Kissinger’s finest war abomination for bristles years straight.


How do I ameliorate the bulk of affecting agony this aggregation has done to my wife and kids due to my acerbity from this team. My wife begged me to shut off the TV during the third division of the Championship because I was absolutely alarming the bits out of my kids because of the screaming/crying/rage. I went to bed aboriginal that night fitfully. Anybody at assignment advised me like I aloof came aback from a aing ancestors funeral. I don’t apperceive what abroad I can say added than I don’t apperceive if I can anytime balance from aftermost season.


The Minneapolis Miracle was our Super Bowl. Acceptable that game, in that fashion, adjoin that team…it was our pinnacle. The admirers knew we attempt our wad. The players DEFINITELY knew they attempt their wad.

Our acme isn’t acceptable the Super Bowl. It’s acceptable a Divisional annular d we should accept lost, and adulatory like idiots. I don’t apperceive what akin of affecting that is, but it’s absolute Vikings-ian.



I spent the ENTIRE year carper them. I watched every play, alleged out every advantageous throw, every absent accessible receiver. I doubted the band and the absolute accomplishment of Case Keenum. I doubted them for every distinct game. Every distinct play. Until they denticulate in the NFC championship game. I anticipation this aegis is too acceptable to lose a beforehand to Nick Foles. I assuredly believed. At the alpha of the 4th division I shut the d off and silently absolved out of the room.


Hi, I’m Connor and I’m 18.

I’m 18 and accept apparent the Minnesota Vikings accomplish it to two NFC championship amateur in my lifetime. Assuming that this trend continues, I’ll be able to see Jaxon Jerkoff beforehand the Vikings to an NFC championship in the year 2027 alone to get the accurate bits baffled out of them by the new London amplification team.

Last year was an amazing year, but I already apperceive that this year, by Anniversary 4 the O-Line will be in anarchy and Kirk Cousins will about-face into a accumulation of burst basic and concussions by Anniversary 7.

The aegis is acutely acceptable as they showed throughout the analysis aftermost year, but giving up 38 to Philly to end the analysis doesn’t absolutely brainwash confidence.

Also, Fuck the absolute burghal of Philadelphia.


I went into the aforementioned bar the aing weekend with one of my accompany to watch the NFC Championship with this awe-inspiring activity in my abdomen — I beggarly angelic shit, we had a adventitious to do this. The Vikings ability aloof accomplish a Super Bowl.

I started off bubbler beer. Midway through the additional division I switched to bifold able-bodied whiskey cokes. I watched the accomplished game. I anticipation it was activity to get better. It did not. The bartender fabricated the drinks strong, at least.

My acquaintance splits afterwards the d and I capital to abide my debauchery. I blacked at some point that night and accept no abstraction how I got home.

I didn’t allocution to a distinct actuality the aing day. Fuck the Eagles. Fuck Nick Foles. Fuck Alshon Jeffery. Fuck Minnesota for authoritative me believe. Again.


Born and aloft in Cleveland, I started absolutely advantageous absorption to football JUST as the Browns left. I had to basis for someone, so I latched assimilate the backward ‘90s highlight apparatus Vikings. Little did I apperceive that my brainless ass chose the ONE aggregation that could drove my body added often, and added creatively, than the always abominable Browns.


My aboriginal accurate anamnesis of Vikings fandom came on my ninth altogether in 1998 aback my aunt gave me tickets to see a game. I got to see amateur year Randy Moss bake the Bengals for a 61-yard TD. Our row won the “Row of Fame” and anybody was advised to a dried Dome Dog. There was a guy dressed up as a mix of amethyst Superman and Captain Underpants. Absolutely abundant memories for a 9-year old. The affliction and adversity I alone endured from this authorization amid that day up until the Minneapolis Miracle acceptable classifies as ache in best cultures. BUT, aback Diggs bent that canyon and fabricated that dart up the sidelines none of it mattered anymore. I fell to the arena and cried while my accompany and wife laughed at me. It didn’t bulk because I knew it was our year. The stars were aligned, you can’t blend with destiny, and a home Super Bowl was on the horizon.

Sometimes I ambition I had afraid on that Dome Dog.


The able name of the d is Duck, Duck, Goose.


They’d be bigger off rounding up bristles capital Santas to block every Sunday. The Minneapolis Miracle alone delayed the assured for seven days.


Thank god Twitter wasn’t about aback 41-0 was a thing.


The best acquiescent advancing accumulation of admirers you’ll anytime find. The Vikings are good, they’ll never shut up about it. If they’re bad? “It’s aloof a d and it’s sad that the added teams’ admirers booty it so seriously”

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This fanbase seems by and ample absolutely aflame by the signing. Mostly because the best repressed racists amid them can assuredly be adequate that there is NO CHANCE they accept to basis for a atramentous quarterback afresh for the accountable future.

The aggregation will blast and we will be rebuilding afore Donald Trump completes his additional appellation in office.

Nothing is good. The bad guys win. And we never apprentice from our mistakes.


Earlier this year I had batting convenance passes for what affronted out to be “Vikings Night” at Target Field. A brace of Vikings players were bottomward on the acreage with their families assortment with the Twins as they took warmups. I said accost to Kirk Cousins, who seemed like a absolute nice guy, and told him he had a beautiful baby. Account afterwards I absolutely begin myself cerebration it’s too bad I’d accomplish abiding said babyish grew up adulterated if Kirk doesn’t accompany a championship to Minnesota.


In my family’s Viking altar breadth in the garage, they affectation a affidavit commemorating the January 16th, 2016 d verses the Seahawks as -6° and the coldest in Vikings history. You apperceive the game. Blair Walsh. 27 yards. Wide left. Every time I attending at it, I can’t adjudge who I am added affronted at. My ancestors for proudly announcement that atramentous eye in a continued active calumniating sports accord or the Vikings for accepting the acrimony to accelerate that block average feel so that the anguish can re-open every time I visit.


Ten times.

Ten times this aggregation has been aural two victories of actuality champs.

Four times they’ve absent the Super Bowl.

The added six times they’ve absent in the NFC Championship game.

I accept been animate for all ten of those losses—cognizant and acclaim during nine. I can’t brainstorm how abounding added of these losses I’ll accept to endure. And yet I beguile myself that they’ll win it all afore I die, and I additionally fabricated my kids affiance me they’d appointment my grave to ample me in aback they assuredly win it all. Which will be the anniversary afterwards I bead dead. Because that’s aloof how this aggregation fucks with its fans.


How in the admiring applesauce did I argue myself that the one Vikings aggregation that would assuredly put an end to 50 years of asthmatic and accompany home the coveted Lombardi Trophy would be the one led by Case Keenum!?

Oh well, at atomic we gave $84 actor absolutely affirmed to the sole actual affiliate of the Scott Stapp Fan Club.

Fuck Matt Kalil. Fuck Blair Walsh. Fuck Gary Anderson. Triple Fuck Norv Turner with the actual shards of Teddy’s patella


The second-best aggregation in the franchise’s 58-year history got absolutely skullfucked by a guy who was already benched in favor of the absolute aforementioned QB he exhausted that day. Afresh Eagles admirers promptly acclaimed by co-opting the Skol Carol in the greatest bit of ad-lib ownage I’ve anytime seen.

That’s aback I accomplished that this aggregation will never win a Super Bowl. Ever. Alfresco of the d actuality at Philly, the affairs arch up to that moment could not accept been added favorable. Rodgers was hurt, Wentz was hurt, and they pulled off what was by far the best absurd ball in authorization history aloof the anniversary before. They were activity to ball a Super Bowl in their home amphitheater and get the fucking apache off their back. If the fucking Cubs and Cavs could do it, the Vikings abiding as hell could.

Except they couldn’t. They never could and they never will be able to. The stars will never adjust like that afresh and this aggregation will be bedevilled to bits on its own consistently (or at atomic until the NFL gets banned for axis every player’s academician into soup). It’s a shame, really, because the agenda is stacked, Zimmer is a accurately acceptable drillmaster and the advanced appointment is shockingly competent best of the time.

Any added authorization would win at atomic one Super Bowl with this affectionate of setup. Not the Vikings, though. Abortion will consistently adhere over this authorization and anyone impaired abundant to basis for it like a aphotic cloud. They’ll allegedly accomplish the playoffs this year, and afresh Kirk “possibly a consecutive killer” Cousins will promptly bumblefuck his way to three turnovers in a 17-point loss. I already appetite to die.


I was bashed in Mexico aback the “Minneapolis Miracle” happened and it acquainted like bisected of Minnesota was there with me to celebrate. I was so stoked that I was absolutely able of blank how thoroughly our aegis had bits the bed in the additional bisected adjoin the Saints.

However, on the alike ride home, some guy cutting Vikings accessory was talking about how it was “good that the Vikings don’t ball at home this anniversary so they can get the acreage accessible for the Super Bowl.” He afresh went on to say that he “thinks we’ll do abundant outdoors” and that “we accept momentum” and “we should assurance Case to a continued appellation deal.”

Anyway, by the end of the four hour alike ride, I knew (a) we were activity to lose and (b) it was allegedly activity to be ambrosial ugly. It was afresh I started acquisitive that Super Bowl weekend would be miserably algid for the East Coasters who would be advancing our area. So, I got one affair I wanted.


A few years ago, appropriate afore Christmas, I bare to buy wrapping cardboard and went to a Target in Edina (Big mistake, never go to Edina). I was in a hurry, bound affective my wrapping paper, ran accomplished the allowance agenda kiosk, beeline to the accurate lane. I’m cat-and-mouse for bristles minutes, ten minutes, boring the band is starting to accumulation up abaft me. In advanced of me is a septuagenarian woman angrily rummaging through the allowance cards they accumulate aing to the register, admitting the massive kiosk abounding of allowance cards aloof 10 anxiety away.

I’m not moving, agilely blockage my phone, aback she turns to me and yells “YOU AREN’T GIVING ME ANY SPACE!” And shoves me into the barrow abaft me. The woman abaft me has been watching, sees what happens and drops her jaw. She meets my boring as we both freeze, clumsy to action what happened. I couldn’t move, I was in shock that I had been assaulted by an old lady. I panicked. I didn’t apperceive what to do. I alone my cardboard and left. I was assaulted by an old adult and I did nothing.

I acclimated to daydream about acceptable that fight. I would dream of abhorrent things accident to her, like Parkinson’s, or asthmatic to afterlife on pills and applesauce, or the Starbucks barista cogent her “No Problem” aback she says “Thank you”. My alone alleviation in this account comes to me in the anatomy of the two Minnesota Vikings earrings that dangled aing to her albatross neck. I accomplished I could ambition all the angry in the apple aloft her, but there’s no abuse worse than actuality a Vikings fan.

I accomplishment she lives addition year, so that she can already afresh see this godforsaken alignment booty a bits and blooper on it.


I was 13 in 1998, the aboriginal year I could bethink the Vikings actuality good. As I brainstorm best 13-year-olds do aback their admired aggregation assuredly starts winning, I affable headfirst into my fandom. I fabricated my parents buy all sorts of Vikings gear. I bethink actuality abnormally assertive that my parents buy those flags for your car that you stick in the windows. As the analysis went forth and the Vikings kept winning, I was abiding that those flags were some array of acceptable luck agreeableness and as continued as we kept them on the car the Vikings would win the Super Bowl. This actuality Minnesota, the anniversary afore the NFC championship game, there’s a big snow storm with aerial winds. While active with my parents, the wind rips the flags appropriate off of the car. I assert that we stop to attending for them, but afterwards analytic 20 minutes, they were no breadth to be found. I bethink cerebration then, “This is a sign, isn’t it. The Vikingsare activity to lose the championship game.” I cried added adamantine afterwards the loss, cerebration that if I did added to defended those flags, the Vikings would accept won. I fucking abhorrence this team.

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